End Times

If we are going down, we are going down swinging.

Hacking the human mind

That’s a line from the song “Sugar, we’re going down” by an American Rock Band, ‘Fall out Boy’. Though it’s more based on love and jealousy, clearly the world as it stands, is going down, but hey! we ain’t going down lightly.

So much has happened since January. Covid19 is just one of the plagues Kenyans are having to deal with, not to mention usual corruption stunts, locusts invation, floods, landslides and the very latest, “Nairobi fly”. I’m not sure whether that’s the right name, but in these parts of Africa we rightfully call it that and we have no apologies to make.

Covid19 has exposed how much we know or don’t know anything and everything about life, based on stories and theories doing rounds on social media. Yes that! Our focal point of gathering and sharing information. The things I have read and heard in the last couple of weeks is staggering, thanks to social media. What’s left of me is to sit down and just go through all the info my ears have heard and brain absorbed (on a lighter note). I say this because with every thing happening around us, it is indeed very easy for one to break down from all that is being said.

I’ve chosen to live one day at a time, because from look of things, tommorrow is not a guarantee to anyone. Skills? You ask? What skills? I am struggling to learn anything new. Guess this is where I’d rightfuly defend my self and say that I fall under the “essential service providers” category and as such I don’t have time to learn a new skill. (but I’m trying.lol)

This will go down in history as one of the writings that has taken me decades to finish. Probably because Covid19 has all of us messed up. Some how…

THE BLACK SWAN EFFECT: Creating Breakthroughs out of the Unpredictable

Very insightful

Black Digits

“Remember that you are a Black Swan.”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb, The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable

In the book Titled “The Miracle of Right Thought” Author Orison Swett Marden, in a chapter called “The Great Within” spoke to me about the current situation that is currently taking place in the global marketplace and that which is to come. Marden writes about the invisible nature of power, the significance of its use, and the importance of being aware of such powers. At the epicenter of this global and widespread pandemic we need a way to recognize, acknowledge and reflect on this “Great Within”. We have entered a new norm in our global society one that calls for us to embrace a anew norm. No longer can we ignore how important is it to challenge our old paradigms and assumptions as to the outdated patterns…

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In her own shadow – Act I Scene I

The night was long and dark. She was a lover of darkness. It kind of hid her deepest secrets, fears and regrets and with that, she felt safe, energised and ready to face a new day.

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Ofcourse she was worried. Everyone was, but her’s was caused more by her own insecurities, life and soul reflections. The past month (March specifically) had slapped her a good one. “Such situations kind of make one’s true colours come out”, she mumbled under her breath. I could tell from her tone, she had had enough and was ready to move on.

Clearly, she had made mistakes which she considered grevious, to the point of her despising herself. She kept blaming her self and hoping she could turn back time (atleast the past two/three weeks). The self repugnance was taking a toll on her, considering the fact that she did not have any close friends. Other than herself. I could tell she had not taken it well, I wanted to tell her, “I told you so!”, but well, I ain’t no saint either. We are all humans and at some point in life, are bound to make mistakes. The more I struggled to reach out, the further away she got. C’mon Taz (that was her nickname back in highschool. Again only known to afew of her friends then). “You cannot let this get the better of you!” I retorted. “You have a bigger and better part of your life coming up, once we are done with this pandemic.” Getting her to open up was a tall order. Belive me, I’ve known her all our lives. I was trying.

(Phone rings…)

“Hey!, this Covid-19 thing, what are the current statictics?”…….and just like that she changed the topic.

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued….

 

 

Dark Days

And then Africa happened. I’ll speak about my Kenya, because this is the only Africa I have known.

African child

You say ‘wash your hands’, someone somewhere does not have water for drinking. You say ‘sanitize’, someone somewhere cannot afford a piece of bar soap. You say ‘face masks’, someone somewhere does not have a meal plan for tonight. You say ‘work from home’ someone is out there looking for  whatever casual labor so they can make ends meet. You scamble for ‘toiletries’ like it’s the apocalypce and the world was ending tommorrow, unfortunately someone somewhere does not have the luxury of a basic toilet.

My Faith and believe in a Supreme Being is renewed every minute I think of such situations. He works in mysterious ways, ensuring a cosmic balance of circumstances, and as such will not allow one created in His own image to suffer beyond measure. He has documented this in 1Corinthians 10:13 (NIV); “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it”. It will get worse before it gets better.

As we selfishly scramble for toiletries, let’s weigh our Faith, then decide how best to fight this evil amongst us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“A single day is enough to make us a little larger or, another time, a little smaller.” – Paul Klee

 

 

Talk to me!

It is the year 2020 and I am literally living out through the realisation that I do not have a BFF (whatever that is). As in that one friend I can confide in on the shit going on in my life, my joys, fears, tears et al’. This has nothing to do with a ‘mother’ kind of friend.

https://wwwfamilyfriendpoems.com/poems/famous/friend/

I’m not one to share my issues with people, and by people I mean social friends and family. I prefer to keep to myself and let it eat me away till it can no more. Lately, I have found myself in situations which I have to make decisions that might in some way impact on my personal being as well as future (not sure if I’m making sense!), but then I realise, before making any concrete conclusions, it is safe to have a second or third opinion about things. Sometimes it is the usual things that eat you away (I din’t say anything to do with love) but yeah those minor, or unseemingly not so important things that bite away your brain and you just need to spill to get the much deserved relief.

Just like Leah Fessler would say, in her article in “The Washington post”, “I am blessed to have “people” in my life,” then again that’s how it is. It therefore makes perfect sense to say, I am not a “person” person. Circumstances, probably age and life kind of makes one wish to have that one particular friend.

I am seated at my nearest java cafe, staring at my almost cold ‘dawa’, arguing with the twelve voices in my head and wondering amongst my “people” friends, if I could find at least one who’s ready to spray paint walls, binge-eat ‘bites’ or sit and talk about meanigless shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.”– Harvey Fierstein

 

 

My own enemy

I am my own worst enemy.

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I am learning to take full responsibility for my actions. Whether failures, successes, breakdowns, weaknesses. It is these things that make or break me, build me up or bring me down, make me smile or cry. Being an adult of sound mind, then gives me no excuse at all to blame others for whatever I go through or whatever  decisions I make.

It is the decisions that we make as adults that will either make or break us. Be it professionally, socially, emotionally or otherwise . No one does anything unknowingly unless you’re under some form of duress, of which that too, we have a choice of saying yes or no to our conscience.

The people that hurt us do so because we have entrusted ourselves upon them. And why is that so? Probably because they saw a weakness and rode with it, better yet our emotions and feelings towards them were so much that they blinded our normal thinking and as such, our vulnerability played straight into their hands.

I am learning to embrace my pains, weakness, shortcomings and poorly made decisions with a straight face, because it is through such situations that I’m made strong. My eyes, heart and mind are opened to the realisation that in as much as I hurt, I keep rising and walking towards better things., because…

I am only human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

 

 

Power of the dark

So, what don’t we do to make the world go round? Including waking up during ungodly hours to do absolutely nothing! Well, maybe count sheep as always or speak to my demons, and while at it read something about love. I call it power of the dark :-). Come with me…

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Bianca Sparacino, author of “The strength in our scars” once wrote; ” The hardest thing, (well not really the hardest..) you will have to do in life is to let go of the people who you may want to hold on to. Sometimes, you will have to settle for loving someone from a distance, and that is okay. It is okay. Because if you cannot show up for another human being the way you know you should, if someone cannot love you the way you need to be loved right now, if circumstances or space or the messiness of life is getting in the way of giving your whole self and nothing less than that to another human being, then you have to be honest. Do not suffocate your love. Do not ignore the way someone makes you feel about yourself in order to keep them in your life, do not ask for something to be more than it can be right now. Instead, appreciate it for what it was, appreciate the lessons it grew within you. appreciate the beauty you were able to feel, and appreciate the fact that in those ways, in those memories, it will be yours forever. All of the love you have given to the wrong people- it will find its way back to you.”

Remember – you have not felt it all. The world still has so much left for you.

 

 

 

The Decade that was!

Remind me when to officially stop saying “Happy new year” my brain is tired.

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I didn’t know it was the end of a decade until I remembered the things that have happened (the things you reminisce when insomnia strikes during those ungodly hours). Boy it’s been a roller coaster of a decade.

Started out with meeting a bunch of very interesting friends. These guys have been real. From sharing laughter to just being there for each other. Here’s to the ‘Legends’, you rock!

Then school happened. I had written that part of my life off (for obvious reasons) but I finally managed to pick it up. No regrets whatsoever. For love of the book, I hope to pick up again in the near future. School is the only place you stay young (my thoughts).

It was the decade that I learned not to stress about my eyesight failing as I got older. It’s nature’s way of protecting me from shock as I walk past the mirror. I had a corneal transplant on my left eye to correct a visual impairment. A few months later, another procedure on the right to stabilize it. One word for the whole experience…PAINFUL and SCARY. Might write about it in details in the near future.

Love happened and un-happened with equal intensity. Let’s just say the gods might be angry with me and that’s why, as my friend Captain Ozwald would say, I’m in a self partnered relationship, at least until I make peace with the gods. Oh! It was the decade I got into the magic floor. They lie that life begins here and forget to tell you that it’s the age where you finally get your head together – then your body starts falling apart!

That said, “how you choose to start this year will largely depend on your: age, remaining levels of optimism and the threshold of pain” – Joseph Connolly. And while at it, may you find the strength to write “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that are still texting you “Happy New Year!”

 Here’s to 2020.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Help yourself. I’ve got a whole drawer full of resolutions I’m not using.”- Annie Hatfield 

Image courtesy of H Leung gallery (Abstract impressionism)

December

December!

Holidays

One of the longest (because it has 31 days) months, yet shortest in the sense that, it is the one month that people want to do everything at the same time and it brings with it Christmas! Yes Christmas, remember that holiday that people celebrate like it’s the end of the world? Yeah that one!  I know I sound like I don’t remember what Christmas means,  but like someone said; “Christmas is so much harder when you get older. It’s like “what do you want this year?” I don’t know, maybe a sense of purpose, financial security, could use some more sleep, a bottle of wine and maybe some new bras (pun intended!)

On a more serious note, December is that month you’d wish to have it fly away like phew! so that you can usher in a new year, with better expectations. It is more of a closure month for things that didn’t go right in the course of the year.  There is no more fun in new clothes, visiting the extended family, cooking all sorts of delicacies, travel and such like activities. Tough one for some of us without boyfriends, husbands or kids for that matter, even more tougher for those of us who do not have a list of resolutions to start with the coming year. You agree with me that life has dealt us a good one this year, loosing loved ones, jobs, breakups exetra exetra. I’t hasn’t been an easy ride, but looking beyond that, I guess Ol’ Santa has a gift for everyone.

So, I’m here being smart and hoping to do at least something good with my time. One read a good book. Two, stick to a healthy diet with random exercises (God knows I need this!). Three, stay away from the temptation of chanting COYG (If you know you know),  these young lads have caused me some sever ulcers lately and I choose to watch from afar. Four, keep looking out my window and hope Santa stops by.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do give book – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful and permanently personal.” ~ Lenore Hershey

 

What Status!

“Why are you single?”

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I think that is the most difficult question I have been asked in recent times. I say difficult because, heck! I could not come up with an answer like immediately, (I had to sleep over it).  At some point, I was like “Well, becau—it’s jus—honestl—I thi—uhh”….and boy did I have a hard time finding an answer, even to myself. Such like questions make you want to drop off everything and sprint into the distance. Not really that they don’t have answers, because, I mean, any answer could be and is true depending on how you look at it.  As a matter of fact, I’m being screwed by the government every day. Not to mention the poor infrastructure, horrible weather, rising inflation, soil erosion, political instability. Do you want me to go on?…

Remember those exam questions that had the most marks but you couldn’t get a straight forward answer to no matter how much you’d revised and researched? Those questions you’d skip with the hope that they’d somehow disappear from the question paper, only to realise they bore the most marks and there’s no way you’d avoid them? Those questions that were labelled in bold “Compulsory” and somehow determined your failure or success in that particular subject? You just could not avoid them no matter what tactics you used. Those questions that, for the life of it, did not have “Mwakenyas” and you just could not make up stuff in the name of answering. Those ones!

So, four cups of coffee later,  I’m quite certain that I’m single because I didn’t forward those chain messages stating: “forward this to 10 people and you will meet the love of your life in 10 days, or else suffer bad luck” in the past.  Better yet, I have a feeling that my soul mate is somewhere out there pushing a pull door right now! Lets just say if I was a Pokemon, my ability would be “obvious”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What does an introvert do when he’s left alone? He stays alone.” – Jenni Ferrari – Adler, Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant: Confessions of Cooking for One and Dining Alone